Recently I had a quiet opportunity to speak with my son alone, I asked the general question of “how things are going” these days. He just finished the 6th grade and is having his first summer without immediate supervision. I was given the normal “good” phrase as his answer. I didn’t want this to be the end of the conversation so I asked him who he has been playing x-box on line with and what they have been playing (I thought this would be a topic of his own interest). He named a few friends and the game that is most “in” right now; I pressed more about the friends names and one in particular that I assumed would have also been included in that list, he quickly told me he is on-line but that he doesn’t talk to him.
For anyone that knows my son they know him as a friendly, outgoing, self-assured young man; we have been fortunate enough to hear from a few different teachers through-out elementary school that he is well liked, does not fall into clicks and is never alone. This was always a heartfelt moment for me, who doesn’t want their kids to feel liked, loved and wanted by their peers? What I love about him the most is that he is true to him-self, he stands up for what he believes in and makes no apologies for being “him” and if he is your friend…you know it by his attentiveness, protectiveness and honesty.
With that understanding about him, you can understand my being curious as to why he would not be talking to this one child in particular. I had my assumptions that it was just a matter of “out growing” a friend but was he told me some stories of what was happening in school and that he just didn’t want to be a part of it. In latent terms, this child was being a bully –not to Justin but but "he's saying really mean things to kids who are smaller than him” is how it was briefed to me. I was dumbfounded that this kid I have known for so long would be acting this way.
I know this can be a controversial topic, but it is out there and it is happening. I asked him if he had ever said anything to him and he said "yes", he said he told him right in front of the one being bullied that it was not cool or to knock it off, he said he had even had the bullied kid come hang with him and the other boys but it would always start over the next or the day after. Once more I felt my chest fill with pride but at the same time my brain filling with anger at this boy for picking on other kids. After all the talks of bullying in the schools, the D.A.R.E program, television programs depicting bullies as un-liked …really just the everything out there how can bullying still be an issue?
I remembered a blog that was written a few years back, you can read it by clicking here: Memoirs of a Bullied Kid. He wrote of his own bullying experiences and how it seemed to get worse over the years; how teachers, bus drivers and even other kids did nothing to stop it, they did nothing to stop his own self-hatred either, he wrote of how he felt alone all the time. He talked about his feelings of wanting these bully’s hurt, or his own self misery to stop…no matter how…but just for it to stop.
Towards the end of his article, he noted that these bullies should not be hated, but instead reached out to, for someone to put their arm around them and make sure they know that they are valued; he noted that most often times if someone turns to bullying it is because something is going on their life that makes them want to push this negative energy to someone else; bullying makes them feel in control.
He stated that for those being bullied that it is very helpful to talk to them, get them to talk about what is happening; I found it very interesting that he said grandparents can be very helpful during these times by just asking the question “how are kids treating you at school” and kids seem to open up.
I hope all the parents reading this will talk to their kids even if they are certain their kid is not a bully or being bullied. Help them to know that they CAN stop the bully and the negative effects by just standing up for the bullied; history shows that a voice against the bully can stop it more often than not. Sometime something as little as being a friend, asking them to sit at their lunch table, saying ‘Hi’ in the halls or any sort of a compliment can make a big impact for those kids being bullied.
So, as I re-read his blog again I made the decision to not be angered by this kids actions but to try and understand that something is going on either at home or within himself to make him act this way and hope he gets the needed attention he seems to greatly need. I’m also going to give my kid a big hug and tell him how proud I am of him for remembering our talks on bully’s, how to not be one and how to help someone else who is. I stand behind his decision to not remain “friendly” with this kid, and his decision to not go out of his way to make the “bully” a target himself for others to step on.
Please share your experiences with bullying. Let’s make this an open topic where we can share what worked and didn’t work.
