Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Catch-up

With the computer in the shop it has been a long week or so without a computer but once again the computer doctors were able to fix the old beast up and get her working again.

Recap of what has happened since last visit.
Justin had an all City track meet on Monday and Kayla had one on Tuesday.  Both having great days.  Justin was selected from the Reinertsen 5th grade boys to run with the torch before the days events.  What an exciting suprise for me that Monday morning as he tells me of this over his shoulder as he also waves good-bye for the day.  Stinker.  He ran 3 other events and came home with ribbons for all.  He came in second in his 100meter run.  Makayla ran on Tuesday and I was able to attend this one.  Man that girl can run.  She too came home with ribbons and a smile. 
The next day (Wednesday) both kids ran their mile for the spring as school...I couldn't make this one but good old dad made sure he was there to cheer them both on.  Justin did great coming in at 7:45 seconds and Makayla in at 7:02 seconds.  Funny thing...she wanted to run the mile at the All City Meet but was told she couldn't as she had too many events already.  Then when she finished her gym teacher asked if she ran at the mile at the city meet..then proceeded to tell her she would have won overall for 4th grade girls.  What a great accomplishment for her!

Last Monday we took Makayla to run in the Hershey's Track meet, once again she didn't sign up for the mile...which still today suprises me.  She ran 2 races herself, a relay and did the softball throw.  They don't give awards out in this meet as they are just looking for qualifiers for the state meet next month in Jamestown.  She did however take first place in her 50 meter run, 2nd in the 100 meter run, 1st in the relay and 2nd in the softball throw. She has asked us to take her to Detroit Lakes on June 16th so she can run their Hershey meet as well....still trying to get to the State Tournament.  Love her ambition.

Over Memorial weekend we made the long trip up to Rugby to help do some much needed work at Blaine's grandpa's house.  Mike (grandpa) is 88 years old and still going strong.  He lives in the same house that he has for  25 years and is taking as best care of it as he can.  He has a small little bird to keep him company between the long stretches of visitors.  As happy as we were to see him it was also a little disheartening to see that his memory is going a little.  There were bouts of times that he was showing signs that he needs to be cared for.  During our visit we were also able to visit with Blaines aunt and uncle to do some catching up.  Mike gave Blaine his old camper, it is a fancy 1976 camper but all the while very appreciated.  We were not able to get on the road back to home until 7:30 that night only to find that the camper needed more work than grandpa had anticipated.  We did not have any lights on the back of the camper and a long 3.5 hour trip along with no gas gage.  We decided this would be our adventure of the weekend.  About 20minutes outside of Ruby the old camper started to show its age and sputtered and spirred for the next 30 or so minutes until we got to Devils Lake then it finally cleared out what ever was ailing it and off we went.  We stopped in DL and Grand Forks to fill up with gas...just in case.  By the time we got home it was close to 11:30 and we were all very tired...including the camper.  It got a whopping 8 miles to the gallon.  Poor old thing!

Saturday we spent the day catching up on house work, laundry and just spending some time together.  We had family movie night which turned out to be a nice relaxing evening that all of very much enjoyed.

Sunday we took Michele and Wayne to lunch in Fergus Falls.  It was great to find a Chinese resaurant since this is her favorite meal.  During lunch she did start complaining of some leg pain so Vicadin to the rescue.  We then followed them back to their house, we again brought a care package; this time consisting of a new hat, movies and chocolate chip cookies.  She looked great in her new hat.  (No pictures, she doesn't want any taken).  I was happy that we were there and that we were able to get her alone to get some much needed questions asked and answered.  We don't know what will become of the future for her but we do now know that she will not be going to Georgia.  She was going to Saint Cloud today for an MRI so hopefully in the next few days we should know a little more of how large the tumor is getting and if we should be calling hospice or not.  I sent Blaine more information today on what Fergus Falls offers which includes home visits OR she can live in a Hospice home if this will suite better.  Either way, we must have sign off from the doctor so we must wait until we can get some more information from them.

Last night we had the joys of having a large storm, no damage luckily to us but we do see much damage in both Moorhead and Fargo.

Today, I bought the Valley Fair tickets for our whole family.  I know my household is excited to be going and I am sure the rest are as well. Just getting the tickets makes it all that more exciting!  Vacation is just around the horizon!

This is a picture I took on our way home Saturday from Rugby.  The camera does not do the rainbow justice but it is still fun to remember it.

Laugh as much as you breath, and love as long as you live.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A life to be lived

The meaning of life constitutes a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general…according to Wikipedia.  But who decides ones purpose, significance or existence? To me when you have cancer it is all too often decided by the doctors and or insurance companies as they decide your fate, treatments and the course of action based on what they perceive to be your purpose, significance or existence in their big picture. 
As we sat trying to celebrate my Michele’s 60th birthday I found myself to be angered at her inability to speak or communicate with anyone…why did they let this happen to her….I know the answers but I still do not understand.  How can a human being schedule therapy to enhance the life of one who is suffering only to have no one show up, to not schedule any further…be called again and you schedule …but then again no one shows.  How can one who was so vibrant and so eager to fight this cancer be left with no communication at all, be left with so much frustration it over whelms her, how can she continue to fight when the medical field has already hung up their gloves?  It makes no sense in our age of wonderful medical skills that anyone can be left behind, seemingly forgotten…just another prescription to be filled but not taking care of the whole person.  Where are the people that should be caring for our mothers, our fathers, brothers and sisters?  Have they forgotten that we are all but one?  Have they forgotten that this person could mean the world to someone else?
I leave her house with more regret than when I entered.  The one thing I vowed to never have when it comes to family and friends. 
Regrets…
I regret the past 7 years that I cannot get back or give back to Blaine and Michele
I regret not living closer to help her fight this
I regret not being able to help her with medical costs
I regret not being able to shout from the roof top that here live a wonderful woman...see her!
I regret not being able to sit down weekly and have a conversation and meal with her
I regret not being able to make those phone calls to fight for her care
I regret not being able to take her to her appointments and hold her hand
I regret not trusting the man that is helping her everyday and giving his live up for her
I regret not being able to understand her needs
I regret not being able to understand what she tried to communicate to us this weekend
I regret leaving her in tears when we left

I don’t regret...

I don't regret telling her I love her and making sure she heard
I don't regret bringing her German Chocolate cake for her birthday
I don't regret making her laugh
I don't regret telling her I am happy she is back in our lives
I don't regret telling her we missed her
I don't regret letting go of my distrust in her caregiver this weekend after seeing that she reached out for him often when she was in dark moments, she completely trusts in him.

What I will continue to do

I will hold Blaine through this entire process
I will hold Michele’s had as often as I can
I will continue to send her packages of goodies to remind her we are thinking of her
I will remind myself that Wayne is there for her every day, giving up his life, putting his job and business to the side, offering her security and smiles often at her, telling her “he knows” when she gets frustrated.
I will always thank Wayne for taking such good care of her.
I will thank Shiela for opening up her home for whenever Michele should want it.

As we drove our path home it saddened me to know that we get to go home and live our “life” while a beautiful life is being left behind for someone else to determine her purpose, significance and existence.

Dear Doctors, nurses, rehab/therapists and her insurance company, here are your answers.
Her purpose in life is to love her sons and grandchildren, to love Wayne, to care for her animals, to watch the birds that she feeds, to care for those at the store she worked at and to assist Wayne with his shop.
Her significance in life is tremendous.  She is a mother of 2, grandmother to 5, a friend to many and was the care giver to a many furry and feathered friends during her time as a veterinarian.  She is significant to me.
Her existence...how can you deny her existance? We are all very aware of her existence as well as she is, her existence in life has not gone unmeasured even for a day.

Please, when you take that call again from Wayne; give them the attention that they deserve.  The treatments that are appropriate and just, make sure you see Michele as a person and not a statistic in your books, make her feel as important as you would treat your own mother.  Many people have had brain tumors and have lived much better lives than she is today, and this was largely due to the doctors, nurses, and everyone working together as a whole and not just pasifying them when they got a phone call.

Sincerly,
A saddened  and very frustrated daughter-in-law.

Tell your mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, childrend and everyone that you care about that you love them!  Hugs are great, tears are hard but words of love are music to anyone’s ears at any time or place in your life.

I Love you all and I will tell you again, and again and again….

Sunday, May 15, 2011

What a weekend!

What a great weekend it was!  Kayla had a double-header weekend at soccer, unfortunatley due to the rain at 8:00 am their team pictures were cancelled...again.  First game was at 9:00am, yes...still raining...and very cold but the girls pulled off another blow-out game winning 7-0 against the Galaxy girls.  This was a very sweet win for all of us as this also is the team that holds the 2 girls that have given Kayla so much grief over the past year or so.  Also at this game one of the dads decided to come and stand next to me as he uses for one of his intimidation tactics..this time it didn't work but boy did I get to hear all the wonderful things that came out of his mouth... it didn't hurt that Kayla did some scoring, great defense and was all over the field showing us (and them) what a true athlete she really is.  We all left beaming with pride along with the girls as they continued their undefeated title since last fall.  They repeated their winnings at the 4:45 game beating that team 11 to 0.  Way to kick some soccer ball girls!

This is a photo from last Saturday, I didn't want to bring my camera out in the rain and wind that we had yesterday.

Part of the team that we took to the game last Saturday, they were a little tired from Kayla's birthday sleep-over with 6 other girls but none the less ready for a 9am soccer game.


We also had a great weekend visit with my sister, brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews.  We were not able to do as much as we had hoped outside on Saturday but none the less it was a great visit.  Once upon a time we used to spend a great deal of time together, many many weekends together but now that most of the kids are involved in hockey through out the winter and summer activities...as well as more hockey it can only happen on those rare weekends that both families are free.  Guess we'll take them as much as they come.  Maybe someday we once again can liver closer than 2 hours apart.

Here is a picture I took last year of all the kids as a suprise present for my parents.  Jordyn (14) is on the far right, Makayla (10), Nick (9), Justin (11)  and Amanda (6) on the bumper.  They are a great group of kids that I hope will let me do more photo sessions with me this summer!


Now our weekend winds up and I can feel the Sunday blue's sitting in with all of us as we prepare for another week of school and work...all the while it is sunshine, blue sky's, and little wind...will we ever get a full weekend of great weather??

I haven't had a chance to photograph it but we have a mother robin nesting in our pergalon again!  Hopefully I will get a great view of her this week.  This is the third set of babies we have had!  Last year we had two sets of babies born in the same nest...does anyone know if the same bird will nest twice in the same nest or would that have been a different robin?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

All Lit Up

Last week was a busy week for the Prairie Restoration crew as most spring times are.  With spring being late just leads to long hours and all of us missing dad.  On Thursday we stopped by to see him and bring him and some of the other crew a much needed beverage.
I myself have not witnessed the details that they go into to perform a site burn, nor seen the gear that they wear, the kids thought it looked pretty funny but myself thought he looked as good as it gets.

Here is what we saw as we drove up, Blaine is spraying a section of fire keeping it in the area that they need it to stay, avoiding burnig any vegetation that should stay green.




Here is how he starts the fires, he has a small fire thrower that he walks down a path lighting as he goes.  The fire does not take long to start and pyro's that we are...were all excited to see it burn.




This is what it looked like after he rounded the corner, needless to say it was a matter of seconds for the grasses and flowers to be torched.  I can only imagine how quickly it can spread if it get's into the wrong area.
 This is what people will see from the roads, this causes some people to call in thinking that there is a problem, but as one would have it I was sitting on the road myself and the police were already inspecting to make sure no smoke made it on the highway.



Look'n good!  A close up of the fire gear that they must wear during their burns.  Looks super happy about my taking his picture!
 This is their Fire Truck, it has followed them around for some years now and has even been called to help in wild fires, has been on the news and has been a much needed resource for fires that have gone astray.  (Yes, tree's, barns and things of other sorts that should not have been burned...have been burned to the ground)

Blaine was not the only one lit up these days.  After much deliberation on what kind of music lessons we should sign him up for it was finally decided that school lessons was not going to get him to the road he has so eagerly wanted...they tell us he need 4-6 years of either piano or some other insturment to play his guitar in high school.  I personally don't agree with it so I signed him up at Marguerite's for weekly lessons.


As for me, I am still on my weight loss journey; I guess I took a little detour down junk food lane after I got out of the hospital and during Kayla's birthday but I am back on track this week and so far I have lost 1.3 pounds and have two more days until my weigh in so I'm sure hoping I can drop the full 2 pounds that I gained back.  As with everything in life, there are up's and downs, in this case...I'm hoping for more downs.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Perfect 10

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom but I never dreamed what joys in life were brought by such little things in life like hearing mommy for the first time, the sheer delight in them taking their first steps, cheering them on through everything that they try to do...and wishing you could bottle up these little people so that you could open the jar up to that special moment and relive it all over again. 

One of my joys in life turned 10 today, it is one of my pleasures and privelages in life to have her call me mom.

On the morning of April 30th, I awoke to some minor contractions and a sense of relief that I would finally get to meet my daughter, 2 weeks early but to me not a day too soon.  I cheerfully called into work and announced that I would not be coming to work that day.  Sadly to me...a few hours later...everything stopped.  Blaine and I eageryly went to the mall for a long walk and then an out to eat hoping that we could get things started again.  By 3pm still nothing so we went and picked up Justin from the sitters and brought him home.  We played the rest of the afternoon without any further contractions.  By 7pm I felt pressure in my lower back making my dear sweet 75year old nieghbor insist that I was still in labor.  I laughed and told her I think I was just lifting Justin to much; I saw the twinkle in her eye and heard her chuckle in her voice as she said "ok, we'll see her tomorrow".  Boy was she right!  At 9:30'ish that night Blaine called into the hospital, to advise what was going on.  No need to come in yet they tell us, wait until she cannot talk without labored breath.  Ok, I thought.  At 11:00 my contractions were very close but I could still talk well so we thought there was still some time...then a big one hit at about 11:30 and the contractions were about 4mn apart, up Blaine came from bed, called the sitter and out the door we went to drop him off...Doreene met us outside in her robe and wisked him away; thank goodness he was still only 21months old so he slept through most of this.  We quickly drove to the hospital and made it to the emergency room, they pointed us in the direction of the elevator and after several stops along the way to deal with contrations we fially made it to the elevator...then she holloars asking if I want a wheel chair, I gracefully decline and push the button.  We make it to the 6th floor and find the nurses waiting, as I start to get their gown....I feel a so familiar feeling...my water breaks! I am even more excitied and I suddenly remember that we are still in April and if she comes soon she will have a diamond for her birthstone - lucky girl I think.  They tell me that they have called Dr. Howden and he will be up within an hour and for me not to be too concerned as there is pleanty of time.  Then they actually check where I am at...it is now approximately 11:50 and she is ready to come ...NOW.  The nurses tell me I cannot push and that I must wait for Dr. Howden....I tell them I cannot and the head nurse announces that I must "hold" her in.  How does one do this I wonder...then I feel her pushing back on me and telling me to hold it...repeatedly she says this.  I tell her I am not pushing but she is coming anyway.  I was never so happy to see my doctor walk into my room but I don't think he was as happy to walk in and only have time to pull his watch off...no time he says to put on a gown as I watched him wisk off his watch and the additional nurses help him get gloves on..... the head nurse moves her hand and out comes my little girl.  Dr. Howden was there just in time to catch her for us, he smiled as he layed her on my chest and I felt my heart swell with more love than I ever thought one could feel. 

Ten years ago today, at 12:03am I gave my heart away for the 3rd time as my second child Makayla Rae Keller made her way into this world weighing in at 6lb's 8oz. 

Makayla came into the world the same way as she leads her life, confidently, with a mission, and no one stopping her, she wasn't born in April to get that diamond but I think she had planned it that way so that she could be our little May Day basket.  Makayla was named after her great grandpa on Blaines side, and Rae is after my only sister.

Justin was such a proud big brother, as I started to take pictures for her birth announcement he insisted that he too get to be in the picture, after all he was the big brother.  How could a mom disagree.

Makayla was a delight as a baby, once we were prescribed medicine for her reflux she was a very happy baby.  She slept through the night after only a few short weeks, we couldn't believe it since Justin was 19 months before he did!  Along with the reflux came a few challanges.  She could not be layed flat on her back nor on her belly, she had to be in an elevated position at all times.  Time quickly went by and my little tiny baby was now crawling, and getting into everything!
She was quite the go getter and even though it took her a little longer to start crawling, once she figured it out she was a speed crawler trying to keep up with her big brother.  On her first birthday, she was not quite walkng yet but her smile sure lit up a room and she was quite a little momma's girl. 


Before I new it her 2nd birthday arrived and I had a bright, very energetic little girl who talked up a storm.


Today, she is one of the lights of my life.  As she turns 10, I look back at how quicly the time has gone and I wonder if there is any way I can keep her just as she is; sweet, innocent, loveable, and still very much a momma's girl.  We baked a cake yesterday together to have a party with grandpa, grandma, my sister and her family, she loves to cook and she mixed and baked the cakes entirely by herself, then she let mom do the frosting and writing on the cake.



So today, I celebrate not only her 10th birthday; but I celebrate having someone as special as her in my life.  I believe God had a special plan sending her to me, she lights up my day each and every day with her smile, her zest for life, her eagerness to do her very best at everything she does, her sensitivity to those around her, her compassion for animals, the young and the old, and her want to be the best that she can be.  At the age of 10 her goal in life is to become a doctor, if she continues to have this dream I believe she can achieve it. 

My wish for you today my dear sweet Makayla Rae is that happiness surrounds you all through your life and that you don't let the road blocks that will always surface stop you from being who you are or stopping you from going where you want to go. 

You are truely an angel sent to us; happy birthday Makayla, I love you.

10 years of cuteness!