A life to be lived

The meaning of life constitutes a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general…according to Wikipedia.  But who decides ones purpose, significance or existence? To me when you have cancer it is all too often decided by the doctors and or insurance companies as they decide your fate, treatments and the course of action based on what they perceive to be your purpose, significance or existence in their big picture. 

As we sat trying to celebrate my Michele’s 60^th birthday I found myself to be angered at her inability to speak or communicate with anyone…why did they let this happen to her….I know the answers but I still do not understand.  How can a human being schedule therapy to enhance the life of one who is suffering only to have no one show up, to not schedule any further…be called again and you schedule …but then again no one shows.  How can one who was so vibrant and so eager to fight this cancer be left with no communication at all, be left with so much frustration it over whelms her, how can she continue to fight when the medical field has already hung up their gloves?  It makes no sense in our age of wonderful medical skills that anyone can be left behind, seemingly forgotten…just another prescription to be filled but not taking care of the whole person.  Where are the people that should be caring for our mothers, our fathers, brothers and sisters?  Have they forgotten that we are all but one?  Have they forgotten that this person could mean the world to someone else?

I leave her house with more regret than when I entered.  The one thing I vowed to never have when it comes to family and friends. 

Regrets…

I regret the past 7 years that I cannot get back or give back to Blaine and Michele

I regret not living closer to help her fight this

I regret not being able to help her with medical costs

I regret not being able to shout from the roof top that here live a wonderful woman...see her!

I regret not being able to sit down weekly and have a conversation and meal with her

I regret not being able to make those phone calls to fight for her care

I regret not being able to take her to her appointments and hold her hand

I regret not trusting the man that is helping her everyday and giving his live up for her

I regret not being able to understand her needs

I regret not being able to understand what she tried to communicate to us this weekend

I regret leaving her in tears when we left

I don’t regret...

I don't regret telling her I love her and making sure she heard

I don't regret bringing her German Chocolate cake for her birthday

I don't regret making her laugh

I don't regret telling her I am happy she is back in our lives

I don't regret telling her we missed her

I don't regret letting go of my distrust in her caregiver this weekend after seeing that she reached out for him often when she was in dark moments, she completely trusts in him.

What I will continue to do

I will hold Blaine through this entire process

I will hold Michele’s had as often as I can

I will continue to send her packages of goodies to remind her we are thinking of her

I will remind myself that Wayne is there for her every day, giving up his life, putting his job and business to the side, offering her security and smiles often at her, telling her “he knows” when she gets frustrated.

I will always thank Wayne for taking such good care of her.

I will thank Shiela for opening up her home for whenever Michele should want it.

As we drove our path home it saddened me to know that we get to go home and live our “life” while a beautiful life is being left behind for someone else to determine her purpose, significance and existence.

Dear Doctors, nurses, rehab/therapists and her insurance company, here are your answers.

Her purpose in life is to love her sons and grandchildren, to love Wayne, to care for her animals, to watch the birds that she feeds, to care for those at the store she worked at and to assist Wayne with his shop.

Her significance in life is tremendous.  She is a mother of 2, grandmother to 5, a friend to many and was the care giver to a many furry and feathered friends during her time as a veterinarian.  She is significant to me.

Her existence...how can you deny her existance? We are all very aware of her existence as well as she is, her existence in life has not gone unmeasured even for a day.

Please, when you take that call again from Wayne; give them the attention that they deserve.  The treatments that are appropriate and just, make sure you see Michele as a person and not a statistic in your books, make her feel as important as you would treat your own mother.  Many people have had brain tumors and have lived much better lives than she is today, and this was largely due to the doctors, nurses, and everyone working together as a whole and not just pasifying them when they got a phone call.

Sincerly,

A saddened  and very frustrated daughter-in-law.

Tell your mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, childrend and everyone that you care about that you love them!  Hugs are great, tears are hard but words of love are music to anyone’s ears at any time or place in your life.

I Love you all and I will tell you again, and again and again….